February 26, 2011

Mr. Disillusioned

Looking out my window, I see snowflakes falling. The kind of clustered snowflakes where you know it’s not just one falling all alone by itself, but a group of them stuck together. and we all fall down. It’s not the first snow, nor the second, or any number I can remember at this point. The flakes fall in places where they simply cover up those who covered up others. snowfall after snowfall. I don’t know why im trying to be so poetic about it. it makes me want to gag just writing it like that. The guy across the street is shoveling his driveway, again. Ive stopped caring at this point. Besides my jeep has four wheel drive and I can drive out of my way just fine. I don’t understand how anyone can live in Michigan and not have four wheel drive on their car.

If it got to a point where I wasn’t able to get out of my driveway and by necessity I had to shovel I would, but who cares about an inch or four? I don’t have faith in the purpose of those sorts of things. keeping my lawn mowed, keeping my way shoveled. I apply my efforts in other kinds of ways. Day after day the disillusionment in the air condenses and precipitates, covering my eyes. It doesn’t just fall an inch or two at a time either. While my neighbor may be out every day shoveling for an hour at a time, It may take me an hour just to dig myself out of bed.  It doesn’t snow on just one mans house, but the air around my head seems to be made of some heavier molecules.

Ok enough with the metaphors already, Mr. disillusioned. I don’t even know why im bothering writing this, because I know its never going to leave my laptop. Why am I spending this month at home, alone, taking care of my mom’s cat and telling everyone im ‘working on my writing’ when what im really doing is sitting and staring out my window at my neighbor shovel his driveway and thinking about what a waste of time this all is and how none of it is going anywhere.

I mean really, what about the world today is there to serve as a sign to tell me there’s hope for any of us? people talk about having faith, but who actually does? I wish I couldn’t tell so easily when people are talking bullshit. And then I smile and nod like I actually agree with what they’re saying anyways. I feel like holden caulfield for chrissake. Who doesn’t nowadays?

Man, I just feel like this snow weighs so heavily on me. And shoveling it away just to get in my car and drive to work for the day is not a good enough reason for me. I wish I had a better reason to shovel my driveway. Something out there I cared enough about to make sure there was nothing in my way to get there. I want so much to care, I do. im dying to care.

Oh, and here comes my neighbor’s neighbor out to shovel his driveway. No doubt feeling insecure that his neighbors driveway is shoveled and his is not. Poor bastards, so easily influenced, so easily persuaded. Oh god, I think he’s actually walking over to my house? Does he honestly think he’s going to come over here and repremand me just for leaving a foot of snow unshoveld?

Wait a second, Doth mine eyes deceive me?! I cannot believe this… this fool of a took has actually begun to shovel MY DRIVEWAY! Wow, im getting a really strange rush of feelings right now. I honestly don’t even know how to take all this. Why the hell would this man care enough to do what he’s doing? The only interactions ive ever had with him is awkwardly waving across the street when we’re accidentally both in our front yards at the same time, and then me turning my back and silently gaging. He has no reason to be doing me any favors. I mean, that is kinda really nice of him though.

Ok, I need to try and wrap my head around this because this is not fitting with my holden caulfield view of the world, this simply does not happen in reality. So what reasons could he possibly have… he could be buttering me up to ask me for a favor? But why would he ask me a favor out of all the other neighbors in our hood. That cant be it. he could be trying to show off his neighborliness to everyone else! But that’s a lot of snow to shovel just to show off. I mean I really cant think of any reason.

Hold on holden, wipe away your disillusioned covered eyes for a second, and try and see what the world is showing you right now. even though I don’t want to believe it or even consider it, I feel like this guy is doing this just to be nice. I mean, this guy is actually my neighbor, I guess, whatever that means. Wow, could this be that stupid sign of hope I was just asking for five minutes ago? I think I have a choice to make right now. not a choice of action, but a choice of observation. If my aim is to see the world as it is, then I cannot deny that this man is showing me a side of the world I haven’t seen in a long time. Uh oh, I feel a metaphor coming on.

Honestly though, all we have is our own perspective of things. and while my perception has not necessarily been full of selfless acts of human generosity, I suppose that doesn’t mean they no longer exist. Does that mean just because I haven’t felt hope in a while that it can’t suddenly come out of nowhere to shovel a foot of snow off my disillusioned eyes? Is that a stupid metaphor or what? 

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