October 18, 2010

my hope, that

... ...


"Of this earthly world rather than a heavenly or spiritual one."

i thought this would be appropriate on a monday...i came to this word when i was working at a job, and just felt like i was really wasting my time there, it wasn't somewhere i thought was valuable to be. i thought there were so many better things i could be doing with my time. like enjoying myself, haha. but then, i dont know if it was the emerging "grown-up" in me or what, but i just kind of quietly accepted to myself, that where i was at that time, what i was doing was very mundane. and that was ok, because mundane activities are an integral part of human existence. most of the mundane activities we must do are done in order to keep us alive and going and moving forward. so i just started telling myself. "Mundane, So Be It!" 

i guess not everything can be accompanied by that 'crazy world astonishment marvelous' feeling, but that's ok! haha...

October 15, 2010

Be Good to Yourself

what you do unto others, you do unto yourself. the actions you consciously take towards anything 'outside' of yourself, you are also leaving the same impression upon your mind and your emotional 'well-being'. 

if you do something 'wrong' you 'know' is 'wrong', you feel badly about it and about yourself.
if you do something 'right' you 'know' is 'right' you feel good about yourself and what you have done.

October 14, 2010

I Am (not) Here.

best when also listening to radiohead - how to disappear completely

October 13, 2010



we must help eachother, we must help ourselves

if any of you guys think this blog is helping you in any way at all, please do share this with other people you think would appreciate it. if youre in the middle of a conversation and talking about something this blog relates to, just be like "oh, i have this site you should visit, i think you'd really like it, i do!" haha... we must help eachother.

October 10, 2010

I Need To

basically i don't think anyone is really walking around out there doing things they don't feel some personal need to be doing. whether its their own personal need driving their actions, or situational need placed upon them by others who hold power over them in some way or something like that. the point is i think im only doing what i feel i need to be doing, and i think you're only doing what you feel you need to be doing and i think it's good to try to understand that about other people's actions that i may not understand, they're doing it because they feel some need, similar to the same need i feel, to be doing it.


sooo i really wanted to upload this other video of mine from my tail end of risd, its all one 'continuous' shot. but the file was way too big or something, though i did spend an hour and a half uploading it to youtube. so i HIGHly suggest going to see it! and if you're gonna start watching it, you might as well finish watching it! thanks!

(and i suggest letting it load most all the way first before starting it, so as to not get interrupted! just a suggestion)

October 9, 2010

this is something i really felt when i was writing it.

So I didn’t just smoke weed…and im really blazed off my ass. I also have a bad neck ache. One sec lemme find a situation that feels better for me.

Imagined pain is just as real as pain that’s actually there.

And honestly it doesn’t matter if half the shit I write is 1000% cohesive as long as im writing it with the honest intention of feeling at the time. Tahts the important part.

Something you write I feel is generally as a rule ‘thought-out’. Its something your making a conscious decided thought to do. So generally its very important for me to make myself 1000% clear to others when im communicating. That really hard part though is conveying in 1000% clarity the DEPTH OF MEANING im trying also to convey with my words; the FULLNESS OF SCOPE of the concepts im talking about. But those are all subjective things I suppose and is left completely up to the person(s) who are witnessing your expressions and making their own associations and meanings to what your saying.

Im waiting for outkast to load on youtube. Hey ya baby! Lol…

No but ok so I just found on this guys facebook page randomly, he had a quote:

“All sciences are now under the obligation to prepare the ground for the future task of the philosopher which is to solve the problem of value, to determine the hierarchy of values.”

And I just thought that quote was very grabbing to me, because I both completely agree with it and think that determining the hierarchy of values Is kind of what im working on, what im about and doing, and at the same time know (or think I know, but believe I know so either way…) that values are completely subjective and thus this can never be an established “law” for the masses to regulate themselves by.

Ok so the internet was like taking forever to load to im just settling to listening to this cover of hey ya by Obadiah parker…haha

Oh and I think ive decided that this is the way I like to write…this is my most likeable agreeable easy flowing way of writing. That’s why im choosing to write this way. Because yesterday and the few days before, after I saw HOWL about allen ginsberg I was really inspired by that, and I didn’t really consciously notice (even though I did notice) that I then was trying to write in a similar way and was making ideas up about how I would want to be “that” kind of a writer and have my life be similar to his in those good ways that I admired about that guy… sorta thing. And so I got my typewriter out and was trying to do these more blatant and “in your face” sort of writings and while I kinda actually like some of it and know its valid in its own sense, it still felt like I was “trying” too hard and it became difficult for me to write like that. This on the other hand, is much more enjoyable for me. So I think im gonna try and stick to this more. Because its what feels right. Actually it doesn’t just feel “right/write” it feels good too. I feel fulfilled in a sense in this way. One sentence I did write though was I think yesterday or the day before (today being Friday October 8th 2010 at 1042 pm apt 29b Chicago) was this sentence: (I think for some reason it funny to “get to that point where you’re quoting your own work”) ,ß that wasn’t the sentencem and that was weird when that arrow just poped up! Lol. Interesting that “word” automatically makes a more accurate representation of what I was “meaning” to do by putting this < . But so the sentence was (lol I am high!) …::

“know then that it is true what I say that one day I will become the manifestation of that which I already am.”

I like that quote (of mine, lol) because I think it’s all about “being yourself” and especially “being true to yourself”

I like in that bukowski thing I half watched yesterday he talked about how he knew his writing was good or something because it wasn’t something he wanted his parents to read. (or something along the lines of that effect, but im sure that wasn’t exactly what he said) and I think that’s also how I know that this way of writing for me is good in whatever way I feel its good because its not necessarily something I would want my parents to read, even though I really wouldn’t mind either way because I love sharing my true honest self with everyone and I do see no reason to hide anything I feel from anyone. (but I do believe in being polite and respectful of course! Haha) watching bukowski last night also I realized kinda how I am nice. Lol. Because I had that same ginsberg kinda feeling in a way in that I liked his writing and his style, but im just soooo nott blunt and crude and alcoholic and dirty as he was, neither am I as sexual(ly repressed) as ginsberg and therefore feel no need to say “cock” all over the place. Lol. But im just kinda nice…(I think) and I think that’s ok too! I don’t necessarily want my ‘work’ to be so entrenched in my ‘personality’. Even though I know it should be somewhat difficult to separate the two concepts from eachother anyways.

Yeah this feels good. And that was what bukowski was talking about. For him the act of writing was very easy and a pleasnt thing to do. To write his thoughts and feelings down. And they also asked him when he started to think of himself as a ‘writer’ and he gave some memory from when he was like 15 or something, and it just got me thinking too about what I think I am. And if I think of myself as a writer right now, how long have I considered myself a writer and then just all about my history with writing my thoughts down starting I guess in 1995 when I got that purple kitten diary with the gold lock, (lol...i love me as a kid)

I love readhing my old shit too because I like how it can just bring me right back to that state of mind that I was in. I feel like the act of reading your own work is the best for you and only you because youre the only one who can really know what you mean when you wrote it. What you really felt. What im really feeling right now. (even though that wont be so true anymore when you look back because you can never really really really technically be the same at any other time again. Etc. blah blah blah.) haha I felt like vonnegut just now with the “etc.” thing. Lol.

I think im really like stupid cute dorky too. Like with my “haha I felt like Vonnegut just now” thing. Lol. (ß really?! Did I just laugh out loud? No I didn’t not! (but I did laugh inside!))

Whether im a fucking “Writer” with a capitol “w” or not, im still –A Person Who ‘Writes.’

I think its harder to admit who you are truly to yourself than it is to admit who you really are to other people. …(maybe; as in I just felt it for an instant I didn’t really think that thoroughly out, and that’s what I mean by I don’t have to be 1000% clear with what im writing all the time. I can take it easier on myself and just be fine with knowing that the intention I was writing it with was true.)

October 8, 2010


I Just Haven't

i made this page maybe about 2 months ago. it was a time for me where i was thinking a lot just about the way i was living my life, the things it consisted of, the people, the places, the activities, etc. i had come to the decision that things needed to change, but at that time i was just not ready to let everything go, i was still too afraid, too worried about what might happen, too worried about the 'lack of security' feeling that times of change bring. but the feeling of knowing what was best for me and not taking steps to make that happen left me with a feeling of personal shame.

today im happy to say that i've done what i really felt i knew i needed to do and it really wasn't that scary, but exciting. and making the decision to actually DO what you feel you need to, no matter how scary it can appear to be, really is one of the easiest things to do, because it FEELS SO RIGHT once you actually get the ball rolling.

October 7, 2010

A Grateful Amen

Lord, let me never tag a moral to a tale,
nor tell a story without a meaning.
Make me respect my material
so much that i dare not slight my work.

Help me to deal very honestly with words
and with people, for they are both alive.
Show me that as in a river, so in a
writing, clearness is the best quality, and
a little that is pure is worth more than
much that is mixed.
Teach me to see the local color without
being blind to the inner light.
Give me an ideal that will stand the
strain of weaving into human stuff on the
loom the the real.
Keep me from caring more for books
than for folks, for art than for life.
Steady me to do the full stint of work as
well as i can; and when that is done,
stop me; pay what wages Thou wilt, and
help me to say, from a quiet heart, a
grateful Amen. - Henry van Dyke.

October 2, 2010

...what's enduring

I Have to be Honest...

ok so ive only been doing this blog-thing for about a month, not even, but i just have to say that im really starting to enjoy this process...

for me it's all about the 'moments' and the feelings i get in those moments. i try never to write for the sake of writing unless im completely wrapped up in my thoughts and emotions at the time. to make sure im in a place where i can convey them as honestly as i feel them, and as openly, because i really see no reason to hide them and not to share them. what's the purpose of having something if you're not also going to share it with someone else.

so this process of having certain 'moments' alone with myself, noticing those moments and appreciating them as they are in the moment, and then marking my immediate impression of that moment in some concrete way that i can later share it with others so that they might be able to get to taste it in their own way, what that original moment was like for me.
(btw if you dont like run-on sentences, you shouldn't read jack kerouac, or this last paragraph.)

but either way i just wanted to show my gratitude to the universe for providing me with such an outlet that seems to purposefully fit into the way we are all currently living our lives in these times. and having not felt a sort of purpose to create for a while now because of having no seemingly worthwhile public outlet for my expressions, it's nice to feel that i have my own little creation again that i can work on and have it kinda mean something to me, in its own way of course...

and honestly i really hope you guys can enjoy this in your own ways and if you feel 'daring' enough to really question yourself and find out how you honestly 'react' to these 'moments' im sharing with you. i don't think a lot of people really allow themselves to stop and 'feel' that much anymore. maybe im wrong...?

The Creation of Change