November 30, 2010

A riddle is a riddle

The importance of being selfish.

I am ruler of my own kingdom, I will rule it to my liking and as I see fit.

A metaphor is a metaphor.

A riddle is a riddle.

Reality is Fantasy is Realitivity

I don’t know how else to put it and frankly im tired of trying for right now. im writing this for myself. Im writing it because it makes me feel good. Im talking to myself right now. what I have to say to myself may or may not be any of your concern. That is up to you. And you have no right to judge, and I have no right to judge. So let us rejoice at meeting a companion! So lovely to meet you, how do you do?! Right now I’m Swell, Thanks for asking!

So now that im talking to myself, what do I want to talk about? Let me think think for a sec… ok but don’t take too long. I want to actually get some significant amount of writing done tonight. Ok fine…take your time. Whatever you say will be more worth it for having been earnestly thought through.

Ok that literally took about 15 seconds. I want to talk about me! What else is there to talk about? If I spoke the ‘truth’ of anything other than myself, I would be false.

Now that I realize I can talk about anything about myself I like, though… I think im already finding there’s not much use in talking about it, really is there? Like a dragon eating its own tail, it doesn’t really ever Go anywhere does it…?

I will mention however that this is the first time I think ever that I really find myself easily speaking in metaphors and not struggling to search for them. interesting…

The only good speaking to myself would do would be to note things that I notice. To note and to report what I perceive to be so. I can note things that I judge the value of to be important, and the value of things I believe to be unimportant. I can note things that appear more fun and entertaining, and those that bore me. I can note what I value to be meaningful, and what I value to be unbeneficial.

If you are me, which you are not, but I am, than you can never really ‘know’ what I mean. The only good any of my own notations will do you is to make your own sense out of them. find your own meanings.

Am I speaking to myself right now?

Or am I speaking to you right now?

Or are you speaking to yourself right now?

November 29, 2010

November 24, 2010

Loss of security

there's something very unique about experiencing life in this way. not just not knowing what tomorrow will bring... but that everyday can feel that it's either bringing you closer or further, in a significant way. without that feeling of security everyday everyhour everyminute becomes important in a way it hadn't been before.

November 23, 2010

the strength to live

life is too precious right now to say i can wait...

November 21, 2010


Sometimes all I can do in a day is clean my room and feed myself. Sometimes all I can do in a day is go to the bathroom and make a piece of toast. Sometimes all I can do is water my plants and read a book.

There have been and are times in my life where I have very little will power to do almost anything, the simplest things. some of the biggest ‘no-big’ deals I cant even manage. Sometimes it drives me mad when the overhead light is on and not the lamp in the corner. Im a very sensitive person. Besides, lighting is a big deal.

Sometimes these times in my life last longer than I would like them to, and they start to get in my way. People start to mistake my actions for meaning things I don’t mean. Sometimes I start to do things I don’t mean to do, say things I don’t mean to say. Im not sure why.

Sometimes I get very sad and that seems to be the only thing that makes me feel better.
Sometimes I really just don’t have it in me and I cant do anything about it, or at least tell myself I cant. Which I know isn’t good, but I cant help it.

Sometimes I feel like Im doing everything right, and other times I feel like im doing everything wrong. Sometimes I feel like I know exactly what im doing, and other times I feel like I have no idea whats going on.  Sometimes these times happen very close together, if not at the same time.

Sometimes I can go on forever, and sometimes I cant go any further.

Sometimes only happens sometimes though, even though sometimes it feels like forever.

November 20, 2010


i found god grafitti'd in a doorway...

November 19, 2010

A Real Person


i feel...

I feel trapped. I feel trapped in these times. I feel trapped in this country’s way of living.

I just want to be given an opportunity to prove myself. A way to show people that just because I didn’t graduate from college doesn’t mean I have no valuable skills. That just because I didn’t graduate from college doesn’t mean I don’t know how to think or learn.

That actually I should be a valued commodity for the fact that I have a more radical perspective on the world. I may not be able to do one specific thing at a masters degree level, but I can do 50 or 100 different things to the best of my ability. And I am always learning more along the way. I haven’t burned out my lust for learning and life. I did not allow school to use up the best of what I have inside me, which is my imagination and the unique perspective I have that I didn’t get from school or from following the rules all the time, but got from listening to myself and following my heart. ALL that stuff that people tell you is REALLY important in life…I got it down.

I have an amazing perspective on life.

Now…I just have to find a way to ‘make a [fucking] living’ off of it.

I don’t want another fucking ‘job’ though, I want to keep doing what ive been doing and strike out on my own and come up with some great new idea to help the world. god and I have good intentions too! How I can not be rewarded for having these qualitites…because they’re not quantitative? How do you measure imagination, honesty, trust, ambition, authenticity, etc? how do you put standards on such things…?

I think there’s a growing part of this world who can actually appreciate what I have to give. A small part. But right now I feel trapped in the big part of the world where the things I have cannot be truly appreciated, and I don’t want to hang around where im not appreciated, you get me?

And I know I can’t just wait around for my fairy godmother…so what the hell am I gonna do?...

Start a ‘homemade’ greeting card line and sell them to little stores.

Hah…I ‘want’ to write and make art. And have that be that. And then just live. I JUST WANT TO LIVE! I JUST WANT TO LIVE!

I cant be at a job that takes away my desire for living, I cant live in a way of life that I don’t want to live in. so GET ME OUT OF HERE! TAKE ME SOMEWHERE ELSE WHERE I CAN LIVE MY LIFE!

I don’t trust people who’ve never had to struggle in their life.

God I hate money. I wish I could live in a world where instead of giving someone money in order to get something from them, I could simply explain and convince them to the best of my abilities of why I need what they have and how by serving me they would be serving a ‘bigger than both of us’ cause and why it would overall be in their best interest. And if I they weren’t convinced for good reason, if they sensed ‘other’ intentions or that I wasn’t being totally honest with them, they wouldn’t give what they had that I needed to me. And this kind of exchange would promote openness, honesty, good intentions and communication. Among a bunch of other good character traits im sure… and whatever you didn’t want to or couldn’t get from someone you would do yourself, like grow your own food, make your own clothes, etc. it would build such an interconnected community, living that way, I think. And yeah obviously that’s not the ‘final draft’ plan of how that way of living would work out, don’t worry I know. But it’s an initial idea, and you cant do anything or change anything without an initial idea…so I got [what I feel is] the important part.

Now, who’s with me?! …anybody?

November 16, 2010

November 15, 2010

A Vision

incase it's hard for you to read my handwriting:

My Utopia

A place where people care
and they value Hard Work
& Honesty
& Dedication
& Meaning & Beauty

And enjoy simple fun and simply
Being together.

A place where we don't have to
leave Eachother
And we can stay together
and just be Children

And live out our fantasies
for Ourselves.

November 13, 2010

Appreciation is Truth

i feel like this sentiment has become the basis for my entire existence. i am here to appreciate as much of everything everysecondican. it's not that it's even an effort thing, or something i force myself to do, for it comes so naturally and feels so good. 

just to be mindful. 

making quiet notes to myself to tuck away in the back of my skull somewhere. notes about how nice the air smells right now, how comforting this sweater makes me feel inside and out, how the rain looks like a giant fog off onto the horizon and makes it feel like the whole world disappears after that. 

when i feel good, to notice and allow myself to feel as good as frickenpossible, and know why! and to be immensely thankful in that moment. (i will only ever feel as happy as i allow myself to feel. so i decided im going to allow myself to be happy...)

when i feel sad, to really allow myself to feel the depths of the sea of sorrow, because that's how i feel. and to turn those moments into moments of great lessons. and to be thankful for those lessons learned. 

whatever, whenever, wherever...

it's my choice, and i've chosen to be Happy, and this happiness has come through my Appreciation for this thing im living called life and E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G it has to offer me. 

now go contemplate a sphere, or a yin-yang...the dot of consciousness on the circle of life. draw a circle and look at it. no matter what you're feeling, you'll feel better i promise.

November 11, 2010


ok i think it's time for another video! wooo! yaaayy!!! haha...
i made this one because i think its one of the most horrible and amazing things
at the same time.
i made it to confront myself with how much i cant stand it!
(you'll see what im talking about when you watch it!)
but this one's really just all about having too much fun and being in the moment while you're having a good time.

p.s. doesn't hurt to be 'under an influence' while watching it! lol

November 10, 2010

the moral's at the beginning, the rest is just because.

My apartment in Chelsea, new york, and spending vacations up at Houghton lake. Those were two things I was just thinking about missing from my past. But then I was thinking more about how whenever I remember those times, and really think about them, and how I felt when I was there…I go back there. I am there. And then I realize i don’t need to feel like I miss them so much, because I still have them with me whenever I need them. and that’s a very comforting feeling.

Earlier today, after I printed out my new resume and felt ‘accomplished’ for the day, I told myself I was going  to go for a walk outside, and I did, I went for a walk outside. On a beautiful Wednesday November 10th 2010 (now it’s 3:28pm) but it was earlier, obviously, around 1pm I think. I wore my big knit sweater cardigan thing from marc, my jeans with the huge knee holes, and flip flops. And just a plain grey shirt, with my amber necklace and my two different gauges with 2 silver studs and my regular silver glasses and my hair all unkept. That’s what I looked like and that’s what I felt like walking down the street.

At first when I left the building downstairs and got outside, I didn’t have any thought about where I was going to go, it all just kinda happened. Maybe it helped that I took a hit of my bowl before I walked out the door, but I felt very calm and laid back, at ease. Everything’s great, the world is totally fine, and im just enjoying myself in my own quiet way right now and whatever happens, happens and im gonna enjoy it for what it is. That’s what I felt like walking down the street.
Get this though too, I think it’s so funny ‘cliché’, but I was honestly carrying a copy of ‘catcher in the rye’ in my jeans back pocket too…how funnycute. But it was great. So I ended up walking straight down state street (north, from Delaware and state) till I got to oak, and walked all the way down across Michigan ave to oak street beach in downtown Chicago. Went I came up from under the underpass, I found a bench with the sun on my back and sat and looked around myself for a while. Just taking in all the people.
All the people bike riding, all the people walking, people running, two guys in sweats setting up a volleyball net, someone jogging on the shoreline mostly empty, some sort of tanker in the harbor, seagulls, and the sand by my feet on the concrete.

Just for a while. Then I opened my book and started to read, all of a sudden I thought of Courtney and how the other day, (she’d read some of my writing excersizes I sent her)  she told me I should write the next ‘catcher in the rye’ or something like that. And I thought that was cute and very nice to say. (that’s why I brought that book with me today) when I actually opened up that book and started to read it again, for the first time in about seven years(?) I was like, oh hey…this guy kinda does talk to himself in a similar way that I talk to myself, myself being myself and myself being this page right now im typing on, and I guess whomever may read it in the future. (I like to keep those sorts of thigns in mind(sometimes) while im writing.) I feel like it helps me be very clear about what im talking about (we’ve gone over this ‘clarity’ issue thing before…haha).

While I was reading the wind started to pick up and my knees were getting cold, so I turned on the bench and brought my knees up toward my chest and had my back to the wind. With my ‘thick’ sweater on, it was kinda nice. Kept reading for a while, laughing at a decent amount of the book to myself quietly, but out-loud. (literally ‘lol’, not just…) and when that was enough, I put my bookmark back in place (a picture of my family and I that looks like a band’s cd cover, so cute and 90’s) and sat for a little while longer and just enjoyed a bit of the remaining early november sun. I sat and thought to myself for a bit. then two women with their children came up form under the underpass, took their kids socks and shoes off, rolled up their jean pants, and let them run out onto the completely empty but for 3 other people beach already mostly in the shade from the buildings behind us. I enjoy watching kids run around (they looked about 6 or 7). early youth is so special. Then i walked back to my apartment in Chicago.

That simple afternoon ‘out-ing’ gave me so much joy. I was gone for about an hour. It felt like three. that’s a good ratio. 

November 9, 2010


everysinlgemotherfuckingthing that happens or that i do...happens in a splash moment, and then that moment ripples out. it reaches out into circumstance.

it reaches out into time. everything i do, doesn't only effect me here and now, it effects everything thereafter. consequences of the moment, and consequences in the following hours, day, week, month, year, restofmylife, restofforever.

this fact alone makes me want to pay more attention to what the hell it is im doing. or rather, not 'what' exactly im doing, but "why?"...

The "Best"Art"

November 7, 2010

i cant do everything myself.

if i or you or whomever has an idea to create something that they do not have the capabilities to create on their own or by their own means, because they simply dont have the power, or because what they want to create involves other people, people you cannot control... it is not the job of the other people to 'conform' to your ways of thinking, to go above and beyond to believe what you believe, rather your job is to take opportunities when people are OPEN to listening and use those times to persuade and convince them of your idea, thought, etc.

if i want to create a sort of 'better' world for the future out of the one we are living in right now, i must inspire others to the same vision of mine/a similar vision of their own, because i can't do everything myself, and im not the only person living on this planet.

November 4, 2010

the product of “Instinctive Analytical Thinking”

October 27th 2010 231pm home bedroom Michigan. 

the important things: (aka: my principals)

-awareness, because I cant do anything about what im unaware or unconscious of.
            (awareness of…etc. including(myself and my circumstances))
            (‘honest’ intention behind my actions, whatever they may be.)

-self discipline in striving for ‘better’ (the ability to dream (big!), freedom of imagination)/ acceptance and appreciation of things totally as they are. (including forgiveness for others and myself.)

-(pro)action, even if that includes and most especially (simply because I think its what people have the hardest time doing) taking non-action when it is ‘for the better’. 

-and respect for my environment and circumstances including all people and living things in it. using tact and consideration. empathy and understanding.

-bravery for living life up to your own standards and no one else’s. a set of priorities.

-gratefulness for existence, and moments of meditation; a connection with the numinous and a sense of ‘faith’.

-responsibility for my share. with humility and pride in all that i do and accomplish.

-focus on the present moment.

(Now I can take these principals I’ve ‘established’ for myself and apply them to create!)