November 19, 2010

i feel...

I feel trapped. I feel trapped in these times. I feel trapped in this country’s way of living.

I just want to be given an opportunity to prove myself. A way to show people that just because I didn’t graduate from college doesn’t mean I have no valuable skills. That just because I didn’t graduate from college doesn’t mean I don’t know how to think or learn.

That actually I should be a valued commodity for the fact that I have a more radical perspective on the world. I may not be able to do one specific thing at a masters degree level, but I can do 50 or 100 different things to the best of my ability. And I am always learning more along the way. I haven’t burned out my lust for learning and life. I did not allow school to use up the best of what I have inside me, which is my imagination and the unique perspective I have that I didn’t get from school or from following the rules all the time, but got from listening to myself and following my heart. ALL that stuff that people tell you is REALLY important in life…I got it down.

I have an amazing perspective on life.

Now…I just have to find a way to ‘make a [fucking] living’ off of it.

I don’t want another fucking ‘job’ though, I want to keep doing what ive been doing and strike out on my own and come up with some great new idea to help the world. god and I have good intentions too! How I can not be rewarded for having these qualitites…because they’re not quantitative? How do you measure imagination, honesty, trust, ambition, authenticity, etc? how do you put standards on such things…?

I think there’s a growing part of this world who can actually appreciate what I have to give. A small part. But right now I feel trapped in the big part of the world where the things I have cannot be truly appreciated, and I don’t want to hang around where im not appreciated, you get me?

And I know I can’t just wait around for my fairy godmother…so what the hell am I gonna do?...

Start a ‘homemade’ greeting card line and sell them to little stores.

Hah…I ‘want’ to write and make art. And have that be that. And then just live. I JUST WANT TO LIVE! I JUST WANT TO LIVE!

I cant be at a job that takes away my desire for living, I cant live in a way of life that I don’t want to live in. so GET ME OUT OF HERE! TAKE ME SOMEWHERE ELSE WHERE I CAN LIVE MY LIFE!

I don’t trust people who’ve never had to struggle in their life.

God I hate money. I wish I could live in a world where instead of giving someone money in order to get something from them, I could simply explain and convince them to the best of my abilities of why I need what they have and how by serving me they would be serving a ‘bigger than both of us’ cause and why it would overall be in their best interest. And if I they weren’t convinced for good reason, if they sensed ‘other’ intentions or that I wasn’t being totally honest with them, they wouldn’t give what they had that I needed to me. And this kind of exchange would promote openness, honesty, good intentions and communication. Among a bunch of other good character traits im sure… and whatever you didn’t want to or couldn’t get from someone you would do yourself, like grow your own food, make your own clothes, etc. it would build such an interconnected community, living that way, I think. And yeah obviously that’s not the ‘final draft’ plan of how that way of living would work out, don’t worry I know. But it’s an initial idea, and you cant do anything or change anything without an initial idea…so I got [what I feel is] the important part.

Now, who’s with me?! …anybody?

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