November 10, 2010

the moral's at the beginning, the rest is just because.

My apartment in Chelsea, new york, and spending vacations up at Houghton lake. Those were two things I was just thinking about missing from my past. But then I was thinking more about how whenever I remember those times, and really think about them, and how I felt when I was there…I go back there. I am there. And then I realize i don’t need to feel like I miss them so much, because I still have them with me whenever I need them. and that’s a very comforting feeling.

Earlier today, after I printed out my new resume and felt ‘accomplished’ for the day, I told myself I was going  to go for a walk outside, and I did, I went for a walk outside. On a beautiful Wednesday November 10th 2010 (now it’s 3:28pm) but it was earlier, obviously, around 1pm I think. I wore my big knit sweater cardigan thing from marc, my jeans with the huge knee holes, and flip flops. And just a plain grey shirt, with my amber necklace and my two different gauges with 2 silver studs and my regular silver glasses and my hair all unkept. That’s what I looked like and that’s what I felt like walking down the street.

At first when I left the building downstairs and got outside, I didn’t have any thought about where I was going to go, it all just kinda happened. Maybe it helped that I took a hit of my bowl before I walked out the door, but I felt very calm and laid back, at ease. Everything’s great, the world is totally fine, and im just enjoying myself in my own quiet way right now and whatever happens, happens and im gonna enjoy it for what it is. That’s what I felt like walking down the street.
Get this though too, I think it’s so funny ‘cliché’, but I was honestly carrying a copy of ‘catcher in the rye’ in my jeans back pocket too…how funnycute. But it was great. So I ended up walking straight down state street (north, from Delaware and state) till I got to oak, and walked all the way down across Michigan ave to oak street beach in downtown Chicago. Went I came up from under the underpass, I found a bench with the sun on my back and sat and looked around myself for a while. Just taking in all the people.
All the people bike riding, all the people walking, people running, two guys in sweats setting up a volleyball net, someone jogging on the shoreline mostly empty, some sort of tanker in the harbor, seagulls, and the sand by my feet on the concrete.

Just for a while. Then I opened my book and started to read, all of a sudden I thought of Courtney and how the other day, (she’d read some of my writing excersizes I sent her)  she told me I should write the next ‘catcher in the rye’ or something like that. And I thought that was cute and very nice to say. (that’s why I brought that book with me today) when I actually opened up that book and started to read it again, for the first time in about seven years(?) I was like, oh hey…this guy kinda does talk to himself in a similar way that I talk to myself, myself being myself and myself being this page right now im typing on, and I guess whomever may read it in the future. (I like to keep those sorts of thigns in mind(sometimes) while im writing.) I feel like it helps me be very clear about what im talking about (we’ve gone over this ‘clarity’ issue thing before…haha).

While I was reading the wind started to pick up and my knees were getting cold, so I turned on the bench and brought my knees up toward my chest and had my back to the wind. With my ‘thick’ sweater on, it was kinda nice. Kept reading for a while, laughing at a decent amount of the book to myself quietly, but out-loud. (literally ‘lol’, not just…) and when that was enough, I put my bookmark back in place (a picture of my family and I that looks like a band’s cd cover, so cute and 90’s) and sat for a little while longer and just enjoyed a bit of the remaining early november sun. I sat and thought to myself for a bit. then two women with their children came up form under the underpass, took their kids socks and shoes off, rolled up their jean pants, and let them run out onto the completely empty but for 3 other people beach already mostly in the shade from the buildings behind us. I enjoy watching kids run around (they looked about 6 or 7). early youth is so special. Then i walked back to my apartment in Chicago.

That simple afternoon ‘out-ing’ gave me so much joy. I was gone for about an hour. It felt like three. that’s a good ratio. 

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