October 9, 2010

this is something i really felt when i was writing it.

So I didn’t just smoke weed…and im really blazed off my ass. I also have a bad neck ache. One sec lemme find a situation that feels better for me.

Imagined pain is just as real as pain that’s actually there.

And honestly it doesn’t matter if half the shit I write is 1000% cohesive as long as im writing it with the honest intention of feeling at the time. Tahts the important part.

Something you write I feel is generally as a rule ‘thought-out’. Its something your making a conscious decided thought to do. So generally its very important for me to make myself 1000% clear to others when im communicating. That really hard part though is conveying in 1000% clarity the DEPTH OF MEANING im trying also to convey with my words; the FULLNESS OF SCOPE of the concepts im talking about. But those are all subjective things I suppose and is left completely up to the person(s) who are witnessing your expressions and making their own associations and meanings to what your saying.

Im waiting for outkast to load on youtube. Hey ya baby! Lol…

No but ok so I just found on this guys facebook page randomly, he had a quote:

“All sciences are now under the obligation to prepare the ground for the future task of the philosopher which is to solve the problem of value, to determine the hierarchy of values.”

And I just thought that quote was very grabbing to me, because I both completely agree with it and think that determining the hierarchy of values Is kind of what im working on, what im about and doing, and at the same time know (or think I know, but believe I know so either way…) that values are completely subjective and thus this can never be an established “law” for the masses to regulate themselves by.

Ok so the internet was like taking forever to load to im just settling to listening to this cover of hey ya by Obadiah parker…haha

Oh and I think ive decided that this is the way I like to write…this is my most likeable agreeable easy flowing way of writing. That’s why im choosing to write this way. Because yesterday and the few days before, after I saw HOWL about allen ginsberg I was really inspired by that, and I didn’t really consciously notice (even though I did notice) that I then was trying to write in a similar way and was making ideas up about how I would want to be “that” kind of a writer and have my life be similar to his in those good ways that I admired about that guy… sorta thing. And so I got my typewriter out and was trying to do these more blatant and “in your face” sort of writings and while I kinda actually like some of it and know its valid in its own sense, it still felt like I was “trying” too hard and it became difficult for me to write like that. This on the other hand, is much more enjoyable for me. So I think im gonna try and stick to this more. Because its what feels right. Actually it doesn’t just feel “right/write” it feels good too. I feel fulfilled in a sense in this way. One sentence I did write though was I think yesterday or the day before (today being Friday October 8th 2010 at 1042 pm apt 29b Chicago) was this sentence: (I think for some reason it funny to “get to that point where you’re quoting your own work”) ,ß that wasn’t the sentencem and that was weird when that arrow just poped up! Lol. Interesting that “word” automatically makes a more accurate representation of what I was “meaning” to do by putting this < . But so the sentence was (lol I am high!) …::

“know then that it is true what I say that one day I will become the manifestation of that which I already am.”

I like that quote (of mine, lol) because I think it’s all about “being yourself” and especially “being true to yourself”

I like in that bukowski thing I half watched yesterday he talked about how he knew his writing was good or something because it wasn’t something he wanted his parents to read. (or something along the lines of that effect, but im sure that wasn’t exactly what he said) and I think that’s also how I know that this way of writing for me is good in whatever way I feel its good because its not necessarily something I would want my parents to read, even though I really wouldn’t mind either way because I love sharing my true honest self with everyone and I do see no reason to hide anything I feel from anyone. (but I do believe in being polite and respectful of course! Haha) watching bukowski last night also I realized kinda how I am nice. Lol. Because I had that same ginsberg kinda feeling in a way in that I liked his writing and his style, but im just soooo nott blunt and crude and alcoholic and dirty as he was, neither am I as sexual(ly repressed) as ginsberg and therefore feel no need to say “cock” all over the place. Lol. But im just kinda nice…(I think) and I think that’s ok too! I don’t necessarily want my ‘work’ to be so entrenched in my ‘personality’. Even though I know it should be somewhat difficult to separate the two concepts from eachother anyways.

Yeah this feels good. And that was what bukowski was talking about. For him the act of writing was very easy and a pleasnt thing to do. To write his thoughts and feelings down. And they also asked him when he started to think of himself as a ‘writer’ and he gave some memory from when he was like 15 or something, and it just got me thinking too about what I think I am. And if I think of myself as a writer right now, how long have I considered myself a writer and then just all about my history with writing my thoughts down starting I guess in 1995 when I got that purple kitten diary with the gold lock, (lol...i love me as a kid)

I love readhing my old shit too because I like how it can just bring me right back to that state of mind that I was in. I feel like the act of reading your own work is the best for you and only you because youre the only one who can really know what you mean when you wrote it. What you really felt. What im really feeling right now. (even though that wont be so true anymore when you look back because you can never really really really technically be the same at any other time again. Etc. blah blah blah.) haha I felt like vonnegut just now with the “etc.” thing. Lol.

I think im really like stupid cute dorky too. Like with my “haha I felt like Vonnegut just now” thing. Lol. (ß really?! Did I just laugh out loud? No I didn’t not! (but I did laugh inside!))

Whether im a fucking “Writer” with a capitol “w” or not, im still –A Person Who ‘Writes.’

I think its harder to admit who you are truly to yourself than it is to admit who you really are to other people. …(maybe; as in I just felt it for an instant I didn’t really think that thoroughly out, and that’s what I mean by I don’t have to be 1000% clear with what im writing all the time. I can take it easier on myself and just be fine with knowing that the intention I was writing it with was true.)

No comments:

Post a Comment