Project Into You

this is one my favorite videos ive ever made...it means a lot of different things to me, but the thing is just that it means a lot. what it means for what that time of my life meant. it lies very close to my heart.


please watch full screen! let load so youre not interrupted, and make sure the volume's up! feel it!


and please enjoy...<3

backwards reasoning

sometimes i resent the people i care about,
because they make me care so much
about my life, and caring so much about
my life sometimes causes me a lot of
pain and suffering. then i feel bad for
resenting them because i 'know' that
those people are what i really have going
for me. but sometimes i dont want to go.
i want to stop. but then i feel like im
letting everyone i care about down and
causing them to feel pain and suffering
which i dont want to do. sometimes i wish
i didnt have anyone to care about because
then i could just go with the flow of my own
personal existence in whichever way it might
take me and i wouldnt have to worry if
that way would upset anyone that
i care about.

Symbol

Forever & For Now

The way things have happened will always be the way things have happened, but the way things are right now will never stay the same.

I love it...

A riddle is a riddle

The importance of being selfish.

I am ruler of my own kingdom, I will rule it to my liking and as I see fit.

A metaphor is a metaphor.

A riddle is a riddle.

Reality is Fantasy is Realitivity

I don’t know how else to put it and frankly im tired of trying for right now. im writing this for myself. Im writing it because it makes me feel good. Im talking to myself right now. what I have to say to myself may or may not be any of your concern. That is up to you. And you have no right to judge, and I have no right to judge. So let us rejoice at meeting a companion! So lovely to meet you, how do you do?! Right now I’m Swell, Thanks for asking!

So now that im talking to myself, what do I want to talk about? Let me think think for a sec… ok but don’t take too long. I want to actually get some significant amount of writing done tonight. Ok fine…take your time. Whatever you say will be more worth it for having been earnestly thought through.

Ok that literally took about 15 seconds. I want to talk about me! What else is there to talk about? If I spoke the ‘truth’ of anything other than myself, I would be false.

Now that I realize I can talk about anything about myself I like, though… I think im already finding there’s not much use in talking about it, really is there? Like a dragon eating its own tail, it doesn’t really ever Go anywhere does it…?

I will mention however that this is the first time I think ever that I really find myself easily speaking in metaphors and not struggling to search for them. interesting…

The only good speaking to myself would do would be to note things that I notice. To note and to report what I perceive to be so. I can note things that I judge the value of to be important, and the value of things I believe to be unimportant. I can note things that appear more fun and entertaining, and those that bore me. I can note what I value to be meaningful, and what I value to be unbeneficial.

If you are me, which you are not, but I am, than you can never really ‘know’ what I mean. The only good any of my own notations will do you is to make your own sense out of them. find your own meanings.

Am I speaking to myself right now?

Or am I speaking to you right now?

Or are you speaking to yourself right now?

I am a gardener

Life is my garden.

Rest my head

Loss of security

there's something very unique about experiencing life in this way. not just not knowing what tomorrow will bring... but that everyday can feel that it's either bringing you closer or further, in a significant way. without that feeling of security everyday everyhour everyminute becomes important in a way it hadn't been before.

the strength to live

life is too precious right now to say i can wait...

Sometimes...

Sometimes all I can do in a day is clean my room and feed myself. Sometimes all I can do in a day is go to the bathroom and make a piece of toast. Sometimes all I can do is water my plants and read a book.

There have been and are times in my life where I have very little will power to do almost anything, the simplest things. some of the biggest ‘no-big’ deals I cant even manage. Sometimes it drives me mad when the overhead light is on and not the lamp in the corner. Im a very sensitive person. Besides, lighting is a big deal.

Sometimes these times in my life last longer than I would like them to, and they start to get in my way. People start to mistake my actions for meaning things I don’t mean. Sometimes I start to do things I don’t mean to do, say things I don’t mean to say. Im not sure why.

Sometimes I get very sad and that seems to be the only thing that makes me feel better.

Sometimes I really just don’t have it in me and I cant do anything about it, or at least tell myself I cant. Which I know isn’t good, but I cant help it.

Sometimes I feel like Im doing everything right, and other times I feel like im doing everything wrong. Sometimes I feel like I know exactly what im doing, and other times I feel like I have no idea whats going on.  Sometimes these times happen very close together, if not at the same time.

Sometimes I can go on forever, and sometimes I cant go any further.

Sometimes only happens sometimes though, even though sometimes it feels like forever.

doorway

i found god grafitti'd in a doorway...

A Real Person

MINE

i feel...

I feel trapped. I feel trapped in these times. I feel trapped in this country’s way of living.

I just want to be given an opportunity to prove myself. A way to show people that just because I didn’t graduate from college doesn’t mean I have no valuable skills. That just because I didn’t graduate from college doesn’t mean I don’t know how to think or learn.

That actually I should be a valued commodity for the fact that I have a more radical perspective on the world. I may not be able to do one specific thing at a masters degree level, but I can do 50 or 100 different things to the best of my ability. And I am always learning more along the way. I haven’t burned out my lust for learning and life. I did not allow school to use up the best of what I have inside me, which is my imagination and the unique perspective I have that I didn’t get from school or from following the rules all the time, but got from listening to myself and following my heart. ALL that stuff that people tell you is REALLY important in life…I got it down.

I have an amazing perspective on life.

Now…I just have to find a way to ‘make a [fucking] living’ off of it.

I don’t want another fucking ‘job’ though, I want to keep doing what ive been doing and strike out on my own and come up with some great new idea to help the world. god and I have good intentions too! How I can not be rewarded for having these qualitites…because they’re not quantitative? How do you measure imagination, honesty, trust, ambition, authenticity, etc? how do you put standards on such things…?

I think there’s a growing part of this world who can actually appreciate what I have to give. A small part. But right now I feel trapped in the big part of the world where the things I have cannot be truly appreciated, and I don’t want to hang around where im not appreciated, you get me?

And I know I can’t just wait around for my fairy godmother…so what the hell am I gonna do?...

Start a ‘homemade’ greeting card line and sell them to little stores.

Hah…I ‘want’ to write and make art. And have that be that. And then just live. I JUST WANT TO LIVE! I JUST WANT TO LIVE!

I cant be at a job that takes away my desire for living, I cant live in a way of life that I don’t want to live in. so GET ME OUT OF HERE! TAKE ME SOMEWHERE ELSE WHERE I CAN LIVE MY LIFE!

I don’t trust people who’ve never had to struggle in their life.

God I hate money. I wish I could live in a world where instead of giving someone money in order to get something from them, I could simply explain and convince them to the best of my abilities of why I need what they have and how by serving me they would be serving a ‘bigger than both of us’ cause and why it would overall be in their best interest. And if I they weren’t convinced for good reason, if they sensed ‘other’ intentions or that I wasn’t being totally honest with them, they wouldn’t give what they had that I needed to me. And this kind of exchange would promote openness, honesty, good intentions and communication. Among a bunch of other good character traits im sure… and whatever you didn’t want to or couldn’t get from someone you would do yourself, like grow your own food, make your own clothes, etc. it would build such an interconnected community, living that way, I think. And yeah obviously that’s not the ‘final draft’ plan of how that way of living would work out, don’t worry I know. But it’s an initial idea, and you cant do anything or change anything without an initial idea…so I got [what I feel is] the important part.

Now, who’s with me?! …anybody?

Bounce Responsibly

sketchbook. risd drawing class out-ing.

The thing about 'Expectations'...

get it? got it. good.

A Vision

incase it's hard for you to read my handwriting:

My Utopia

A place where people care

and they value Hard Work

& Honesty

& Dedication

& Meaning & Beauty

And enjoy simple fun and simply

Being together.

A place where we don't have to

leave Eachother

And we can stay together

and just be Children

And live out our fantasies

for Ourselves.

Appreciation is Truth

i feel like this sentiment has become the basis for my entire existence. i am here to appreciate as much of everything everysecondican. it's not that it's even an effort thing, or something i force myself to do, for it comes so naturally and feels so good. 

just to be mindful. 

making quiet notes to myself to tuck away in the back of my skull somewhere. notes about how nice the air smells right now, how comforting this sweater makes me feel inside and out, how the rain looks like a giant fog off onto the horizon and makes it feel like the whole world disappears after that. 

when i feel good, to notice and allow myself to feel as good as frickenpossible, and know why! and to be immensely thankful in that moment. (i will only ever feel as happy as i allow myself to feel. so i decided im going to allow myself to be happy...)

when i feel sad, to really allow myself to feel the depths of the sea of sorrow, because that's how i feel. and to turn those moments into moments of great lessons. and to be thankful for those lessons learned. 

whatever, whenever, wherever...

it's my choice, and i've chosen to be Happy, and this happiness has come through my Appreciation for this thing im living called life and E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G it has to offer me. 

now go contemplate a sphere, or a yin-yang...the dot of consciousness on the circle of life. draw a circle and look at it. no matter what you're feeling, you'll feel better i promise.

Noises

Noises

ok i think it's time for another video! wooo! yaaayy!!! haha...

i made this one because i think its one of the most horrible and amazing things

at the same time.

i made it to confront myself with how much i cant stand it!

(you'll see what im talking about when you watch it!)

but this one's really just all about having too much fun and being in the moment while you're having a good time.

ENJOY!!!

p.s. doesn't hurt to be 'under an influence' while watching it! lol